


Nothing But Love

by KillClaudio



Category: due South
Genre: Divorce, F/M, Flashbacks, POV Stella Kowalski (due South), Relationship breakdown
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2007-07-02
Updated: 2007-07-02
Packaged: 2020-02-27 17:26:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 978
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18743650
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KillClaudio/pseuds/KillClaudio
Summary: Friendship is constant in all other things save in the offices and affairs of love.





	Nothing But Love

**Author's Note:**

> This was originally written for ds_shakespeare, for the prompt, _Friendship is constant in all other things save in the offices and affairs of love._
> 
> Takes place not long after ‘Strange Bedfellows’.

"So Ray’s following you around. And that’s a problem." It isn’t a question, but I answer anyway.

“No. I’m encouraging him. That’s the problem.”

“You know what I’m going to ask.” Emily Demaine is an excellent counselor. She tried to help Ray and I put our marriage back together, and when that didn’t work she tried to help me put myself back together. She is going to ask why.

“I love him.”

* * *

We met in a shower of music. I was twelve and he was thirteen; a teenager, a year older that made all the difference. My parents had sent me to dance class, and I was convinced I would hate every second. But there he was, blond hair sticking out in tufts, a frown of concentration on his face as he followed the teachers steps. He was the best in the class. You’re surprised? Ray learns by imitation. And he’s quick and thorough; that’s what makes him a good cop. He was brilliant. 

When we were paired to dance, we were both tongue-tied. You remember what it’s like, being an awkward teenager. And then he kept making mistakes, stepping out of sync. He was nervous. I was nervous. Finally, the teacher came over to see what was wrong, and it turned out he wasn’t wearing his glasses. He came back with them on; I still remember the way he looked. It was like…like seeing Clark Kent trying to hide. The glasses might fool you to start with, but once you’ve met Superman you wonder how you didn’t see it all before. Strength and courage and honor. All the things he doesn’t see in himself.

Ray was my knight in shining armor. Every little girl needs one, right? He was John Lennon, James Bond and Joe Namath all rolled into one. I’ve told you about the bank? He did a very brave thing that day, and he doesn’t even know it. Not distracting the gunman, that was an accident. But he stood up afterwards, and he looked me in the eye. He let me see how much it cost him.

Everybody thought I was dating him for the novelty, boy from the wrong side of the tracks. It wasn’t like that. If anything, it was Ray who got a thrill out of the social gap. I was everything he’d been told he couldn’t have, couldn’t expect. I let myself be objectified; how’s that for an admission?

* * *

_”How about a breakfast date sometime?”_

_“That’s kind of a dumb idea, Stella.”_

* * *

I’m sure there was a point, a line that got crossed, when Ray started communicating more with Jim Beam than with me.

Being a cop is a tough career, and it changes people. I knew that going in. That there would be days he came in pale and trembling and exhausted, with images behind his eyelids that he couldn’t share with me. I knew there would be days when he came home smelling of whiskey and smoke and the traces of someone else’s blood still under his fingernails. I knew there might be a day when he didn’t come home. 

But nobody ever told me he would come home and ignore me.

So my husband wasn't the man I married. I should have expected it. And I was okay with tough and macho, I was. But I still miss the days when Ray could wear eyeliner. When we could go to the bars we wanted without worrying that one of his buddies from Vice would see us.

Ray's job was difficult, and harrowing, and painful. He is too committed to ever have regular hours. How could I bring a child into a situation like that?

No, that’s bullshit. I didn’t want to share him with anybody else.

* * *

“Was there a moment, do you think, when the temptation became too strong?

Every moment. “When he asked me to dance.”

I didn’t want to dance with him, because if he swept me off my feet again I might never find my way back to solid ground. But faced with a choice between the bland politician seated across from me and the fire burning in his eyes, what could I do but step into his arms?

“I think he knew how Frank would react. And he knew that would provoke me into dancing with him.”

“Stella, do you feel that he manipulates you?”

_Think you’re smart, don’t you?_

“I feel helpless around him. But that’s not the same thing.”

“It must not be easy for you.”

“You have no idea.”

* * *

When Ray said “Look Stell, maybe we should spend some time apart?”, I knew it was over. Ray was distancing himself from me, and I didn’t think I could bear to watch that happen. I brought home the divorce papers the following week, trying to ignore the shell-shocked look on his face.

I have too much dignity to beg for what I really want when it’s out of my reach. If I had to learn to live without Ray, I might as well start now.

* * *

“How did you feel the next morning? Knowing that you hadn’t slept together after all?”

I sat on my balcony with a cup of coffee and didn’t cry.

“Relieved.”

“Because you made the right decision this time?”

“Maybe. Yes. No. I don’t know, Emily. I still behave badly when he’s around. And Frank Orsini, god. That was stupid. Am I going to make the same mistakes over and over again?”

“No.” Emily sounds very sure about that. But then, it’s her job to sound sure. “You weren’t drawn to him because he was a crook, were you?”

“No. I was drawn to him because…oh, he was smartly dressed, and eloquent, and intelligent. He spoke beautiful Italian.”

“Well, there you are. Maybe someday you’ll meet another smart-mouthed, stylish Italian who isn’t a felon.”

I smile. “Maybe.”


End file.
